The problem of education is not children; it is rather adults, as said by brilliant Italian teacher and father of four children Franco Nembrini. Similar views are shared by many psychologists: «Everything we desire to change in children should be, first of all, checked with care: whether it is that, what would be better to be changed in ourselves. For example, our pedagogical enthusiasm. Probably, it is better to be aimed at its own», — said Yulia Gippenreiter, the author of several best-sellers about communication with children.
How in practice to switch the focus of attention from the constant «education» of a child to the own self? We selected for you some advices of the best parents-psychologists. There are, of course, more of such advices, but these ones seem to be the most simple and effective.
- Sobering list
Svetlana Roiz: «The own children are the best indicators and diagnosticians. They give the best feedback to the parents. At one of the seminars I give the «sadistic», in some sense, homework to students: to write a list of qualities they want to see in their children. And to put a tick opposite every quality, in which they are an example. This is very sobering practice».
- Look at your communication from the outside
Yulia Gippenreiter: «During the day (and preferably, two or three days), try to calculate how much times did you refer to it with emotionally positive statements (joyful greeting, appreciation, support) and how much times – with negative ones (reproach, remark, criticism). If the number of negative references is equal or exceeds the number of positive ones, then everything is not good with your communication».
- Three strong questions for everyone
Paul Shealy, entrepreneur, father of three children: “At the dinner table, we usually summarize each day. We know that such a tradition is the key to achieve success in life, business and relationship. This allows you to keep a good pace every day, comparing it with the previous one and constantly improving your life. Therefore, sitting at the table during the dinner, we firstly asked each other and then each of the children:
What has been really good today? What did not go so well, as you would like? What do you eagerly expect for tomorrow?
The five of us discussed each question, pondered over them and further put the last question: “Have I expanded my awareness today?” If the answer was yes, we could not rekindle dreams of the greater either for ourselves, or for our sons.
- Hug one another more often!
Yulia Gippenreiter: «Hug your child several times a day; 4 hugs are absolutely necessary for everyone just for survival, but for the well-being, there should be at least 8 hugs a day! And, by the way, not only for a child, but for an adult too».
The founder of the school «La Traccia» in Bergamo and father of four children Franco Nembrini is one of the best teachers of the contemporaneity. We chose from his book «From father to son» the most striking statements about fatherhood and upbringing.
The secret of upbringing is paradoxically not to care about upbringing. That is not to concentrate on the problem of upbringing. But if it constitutes a problem for you, children will feel it as the problem.
Never be afraid to make mistake. After all, we are the best parents in the world for our children. Do not try to imbue them with imagination about the perfect sequential father – they still will not allow you to deceive them.
Remember!!! You are the best parents in the world! Even if you made a mistake, it does not cause the psychological trauma to children. They are injured by the feeling they are on quicksand, by uncertainty seen by them on faces of the parents, as well as by the feeling that their house could collapse from any gust of wind.
When the parents begin to ask the question: «Well, what’s wrong with this? », the fight is lost. The question: What’s wrong? is a surrender. The true educator asks: «What’s good with this? ».
The problem of education is adults and not children. Having educated the parent, one can already start thinking about upbringing of children.
To learn the good and evil, it is not necessary to feel bad. If I have to explain to a child that the fire burns, I don’t need to put its hand to the range ten times. It is not necessary to try everything indiscriminately. A child has a right to experience the reasonable, good and beautiful.
If you are inactive, then the environment intervenes into the process of education, and your son will necessarily fill its mind with something. Either with that you offer to it, or with something else. You are the home-teacher and must be on duty; you should have such amount of proposals that a day, a week and the whole vacation would be insufficient to realize all your great ideas.
It is not possible to educate anyone, if you do not get yourself the permanent education. The mentor is, above all, one, who is educated and lets somebody educate itself.
It is very difficult to bring to teenagers’ knowledge that the lovesickness can be experienced in different ways, and not just as shown on TV. Even King Athur and the magician Merlin have been crapped up for us. Recently, one movie has released, in which, apparently, the muscular king Arthur has just torn off the legs from surfing, and his behavior is not different from that of ordinary teenagers.
Children come into the world the same as a hundred or a thousand years ago. With the same heart, desire, and mind, as always. They always have lively unquenchable desire of truth, goodness, beauty, as well as the desire to be happy. But what are fathers, teachers and witnesses to the reality of their beliefs they see before themselves?
Why did I desire to be like my father in my childhood? Because I felt that he knew things, which were important to be known. He knew what were good and evil, truth and falsehood, joy and pain, life and death. Without long preachments he led me to the positive vision of existence; his life was a living testimony about the Truth learned.
Today’s children grow up and no one offers to them a «hypothesis of explaining the reality». Therefore, they are so overwhelmed with fear, indecision and sadness, so they often become cruel. After all, we, adults, know that it is impossible to be sad for a long time and not to become angry. Sadness of our children is a child of our sadness; their lack of interest is a product of boredom that has descended us.
It seems to me that the secret of upbringing is the following: children look at you. When they play, they do not just play; whatever would they do, in fact, they always look at you from the corner of the eye. And if they see your joy and strength before the face of reality, it is the only means at your disposal for their upbringing.
There is hardly a need in words for education. Rather, the only words that have meaning in education are the answers to questions being posed by children. It is never necessary to give answers to such questions, which children do not put or feel.
The upbringing is a transfer of our experience in happiness rather than that of values and rules.